Whole shenanigans at Whole Foods

There are a few foods that Black folks take VERRYYY seriously. Greens, homemade macaroni and cheese (don't you even think about mixing up some yellow ass Kraft mac and cheese) and potato salad round out that list.

Fuck up these foods and there will be repercussions. So imagine my surprise when Whole Foods got everyone's panties in a bunch on the Internet on Thursday when it casually suggested adding peanuts to collard greens on Twitter.

Wayment.

Wait, wait, wait!

Yeah, you heard me right: Peanuts. Yeah, they tried it. Listen. Umm ... Black folks will give you a pass on a lot of things, but you mess around and add peanuts to collard greens and you might not EVER get invited back to dinner. Ever.  Because.

I mean. You need to know how serious this is.  This is cut you to the white meat serious.

Folks take their collard green and ham hock recipes to the grave. There have been brawls over who ate the last of the leftover macaroni and cheese. And folks have gotten their feelings hurt, cussed out and their edges snatched if they dared bring runny potato salad to the cookout.

BA-BAY! I am so not playing. We will yank your Black card so quick! Try some foolishness if you want to; your invitation to the family reunion will be irrevocably revoked and NOBODY is asking you to bring a dish --  EVER. This is some serious shit.

Why, Whole Foods, Why?

I need to know who called for this? And what were they thinking? And ... just why? I need for Whole Foods to fall ALL THE WAY BACK. Listen. Whole Foods has its place. When I'm looking for chlorella supplements, Whole Foods is the place. When I want to buy a $5 carton of organic strawberries, I hit up Whole Foods.

But greens tho? NOBODY goes to Whole Foods for take-out greens. NO DAMN BODY!  And you damn sure better not think about bringing Whole Foods' crunchy greens to Big Mama; she will cut you. I just need to know the logic here: Were they actually looking to fuse foods with African origins? Were they looking to merge cuisines? George Washington Carver, Lord rest is soul, is somewhere looking real proud right now. Because this was a use for peanuts even he did not come up with!

I just need to know: Did they think to ask anyone Black? Because I'm sure we can all agree on this one: This is some straight fuckery right here. And, considering that greens are now a staple in southern cuisine consumed by all races, I'm sure that even Paula Deen is somewhere in Savannah, GA giving this nonsense the side eye right now with her racist trope self.

Maybe they were trying to get a jump on Black History Month next month and they thought, "Lemme just put this recipe right here." Guess what? Whole Foods and their $5 a pound organic apples are going to learn TA-DAY!

I just don't get the reasoning. Hot sauce does not taste good on peanuts. Period. And I don't know that a hot water cornbread recipe exists that is enhanced by a side of crunchy ass peanuts. We just convinced Big Mama to replace ham hocks and fatback with smoked turkey wings in her greens and now here comes Whole Foods with this foolishness.

Our grannies are rolling over in their graves over this right now.

Whole Foods was NOT ready!

Of course, folks went ham and turkey on Black Twitter with epic clapbacks. I LIVE!

Come get your people, Whole Foods. Because I really can't with you right now.

The Best Mom of the Year Award goes to Toya Graham

It was the dragging seen 'round the Internet.

Baltimore's Toya Graham made international headlines -- and is now Internet famous and the subject of all kinds of memes -- after snatching up her son, who was filmed on camera throwing rocks during the Baltimore civil unrest, on camera.

And I don't blame her-- or her reaction -- not one damn bit. Who wants their Momma to come and get them? And on these Inna-nets? Especially after she told him not to go there. Graham wasn't playing. She saw him on TV acting a fool and she came for him -- and landed a few slaps upside his head in the process.

Toya said, "Oh, no. Not today!" "Not my baby."

This is old school parenting right here. And I ain't mad at her. 

Toya speaks 

"He gave me eye contact. And at that point, you know, not even thinking about cameras or anything like that. That's my only son and at the end of the day I don't want him to be a Freddie Gray," Toya Graham said, referring to the 25-year-old man who died after mysterious spinal injuries while in police custody earlier in the month.

Now, I was all set to see child experts drag this mom for what she did. This IS the generation of parental experts who feel as if you should not shame kids, especially on social media. "Oh, no, you should not embarrass your child like that." "What she did was wrong!"

But so far, the ones I've seen have all stood behind her. And they are right. Cause where you show out is where I act out.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And look:  I know the disturbance in Baltimore is serious. But this ain't 'bout that. This is about a mom saving her young son. Age gives you so much perspective and wisdom that youth does not.

Toya knew it would be trouble -- that's why she told her son to not go there. Most moms I know ride and die for ours - but it also means that you cut into them when they need cutting into.

And I'd rather snatch mine up on live TV than have them delivered to me in body bags.

If my three had been down there cutting up, guess what? I'd drag their behinds, too. 

Tickets to heaven for sale for $99

It's Good Friday. But that doesn't mean folks ain't stupid every day of the week; Jesus' resurrection does not matter.

Amanda and Tito Watts of Jacksonville, Florida, sold tickets to heaven for $99. Fix it, Jesus! Because he rose for this foolishness!

I'm going to give them the double dap Jesus side eye; it's what I imagine Jesus would do if he was violent like that.

Hol' up. Wait. Those Vacation Bible School classes I took taught me that Jesus paid the price on the cross - not man. And it was FREE! He paid the cost! That most certainly did NOT mean that people would sell access to heaven. And $99? Is that the discount rate? Can I use a coupon? And will I get a holigram? IJS.

Sure, it's stupid. But what's even more stupid is the folks who bought the damn tickets. How stupid are you, anyway, to buy tickets to heaven? 

Listen here. My Lord does not have any time for this foolishness! And you buy tickets from these two? Ummm.... Dude looks like he's been crucified with that Sharpie scrawled n his face in this mugshot. And Amanda looks scary as hell - like the Grinch who stole Christmas. 

Tell me why would you trust a white dude named Tito, anyway? Hmmmm .... Ain't nothing these two can tell me about salvation. 

Really,  I'm not sure who is the stupidest -- the Watts, who managed to sell 'heaven' tickets, or the idiots who bought them! I need a sanity check and a 72-hour hold right now on all parties involved -- the sellers AND the buyers.

And how did this 'sale' go down? "I got those tickets to heaven, yo!"

Selling 'Heaven' Tickets is not Illegal

Now, apparently, it is NOT illegal (notice I did not say stupid) to sell tickets to heaven, according to Jacksonville Police.

But what you can't do is sell 'heaven' tickets on the street, claim they are made of solid gold (it was really gold spray paint) that guarantee a spot in heaven. That's misrepresentation.

And stupid.

I'm so curious. How would these be redeemed? Could you do a two for one? BOGO? What about scalping? If I paid $99 to see My Jesus, the person in line behind me bett'not have a counterfeit ticket!

Would God and Peter (I know he's watching at the gate) accept a photocopy? And did they accept cash, credit, checks, Paypal or GooglePay? Cause you just know Jesus got a QR reader on lock at the gates with Steve Jobs on standby for technical difficulties. Won't he do it! 

Where they messed up

Apparently, you can make every kind of claim you want about heaven. But what you will NOT do is sell wood spray painted gold and the words 'Ticket to Heaven - Admit One' written in Sharpie and try to pass it off as a precious metal. That's where they messed up.

This scam was working ... real well. Police nabbed the pair with $10K, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.

It gets worse.

Apparently, Tito is drinking the heaven Kool Aid. In a statement, he said:

"I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold."

"It ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space." 

He got $10K. Can he get to Mars with that?

But no. Tito continued to babble about his outer space shenanigans.

I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine."
"You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free."
"So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them."
"I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…"

First you sell tickets. And now you gonna set up Jesus - the Christ child who is without sin? Bye, Tito!!

Ain't Easter coming up in a few days? 

But check the wife, Amanda. She was not here for any of this foolishness. She quickly threw Tito all up under the bus.

"We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."

Do you want to talk about race with your coffee?

Normally, I am here for ALL of this conversation. ALL of it. But with my coffee, tho?

First thing in the morning?

Sigh.

Starbucks is going to try to tackle the issue of race in America, with barristas at 12,000 locations nationally trying to spark the conversation by writing the words, "Race Together," on coffee cups. Additionally, a USA Today supplement co-authored by Starbucks, will appear in print editions beginning Friday, March 20.

"Racial diversity is the story of America, our triumphs as well as our faults," says an opening letter in USA Today that is authored by the heads of both companies. "Yet racial inequality is not a topic we readily discuss. It's time to start."

Now, that is where I draw the line. Look, I can roll with some lattes with the best of 'em, but talking about race -- BEFORE I get my coffee -- is looking for a fight where I'm from. Chile, anything might come out of my mouth first thing in the a.m.

With no coffee, HELLO!!
 
Listen. I'm not so sure I want the barrista to ask me about race when they are serving  coffee.

I mean, are they gonna say: Black coffee, no sugar, no cream? Would you like some half-half with that? 

Do you want some affirmative action or respectability politics along with your Mocha Latte?

What, Starbucks, what?

Who OK'd this foolishness?

I am all about doing you. But I want to know ... What nail tech did these nails? Cause they need to have their license SNATCHED for this pointy pedicure!

Was the nail tech smoking meth? Or was she high? Even worse, WHO would let anyone shape their toes into lil' devil points. I'mma need her to get a refund right quick.

Who thought this was a good idea, who? I feel sorry for whoever she's sleeping with. Their legs are about to be cut up when they wake up in the morning.

Ri Ri can wear these pointy nails on her fingers all day long; they are a trendy and different look for a manicure. But on your toes, tho? Sometimes, you just need to stop, drop and roll out the door if the nail tech even mentions some foolishness like this.

Angie Stone knocks her daughter's teeth out

There are certain things in life that are indisputable: Death and taxes come to mind.

But here's another one to add to the list: Hit your Momma and you will get knocked the eff out!

Or, get your front teeth knocked out -- as R&B singer and R& B Divas Atlanta reality show star Angie Stone, 53, allegedly did to her daughter, Diamond, 30, after getting into an altercation with her on Monday night in an Atlanta suburb.

Stone, whose real name is Angela Brown, was arrested. But her daughter will certainly need lots of dental work. Stone is accused of  knocking out several of Diamond's teeth in the brawl in Lithonia, Georgia, according to the Associated Press.

Stone told police that her daughter punched her in the face with a closed fist, according to AJC.com. Stone  picked up a metal stand (we all know that Black mommas will pick up the first thing their hand touches) and hit her in the face.

Stone told police she realized the mistake and put down the stand but her daughter came after her again. A family friend eventually broke up the fight, according to TMZ.

This all started after Stone told her daughter to clean up and get her kids under control, who were reportedly running around "half-naked," according to  WGCL.

Both women were taken to police for questioning and Stone was charged with aggravated assault.Stone is a three-time Grammy-nominated singer. Her reps have not issued a comment.


You gone learn today!

But ... umm, just in case Diamond didn't know. You NEVER hit your momma. Just don't do it. All she has to do is to look in the mirror for that reminder. There are some things that you just don't do. I don't care how wrong your momma is or how right you think you are.

 All I know is, you'd better be ready for a fight if you hit a Black momma. I can speak definitively, because I am one. I do not know what happens in other communities, but I do know what happens in mine: Her daughter had better be glad ONLY her front teeth are gone. Her injuries could have been a lot worse.

And spare me with the, I'm grown bit. If you are grown enough to hit your momma, you are grown enough to get knocked out like a real woman you claim to be.

Hitting your moms, tho! SMH.

Injuries Diamond allegedly sustained in the brawl

Before you come to blows, you really need to exit stage left ... or risk getting your teeth knocked out!

Jesus Be a Fake Pic

Fix it, JESUS!

I thought Lenny Kravitz had lost it when he was spotted wearing a rolled up duvet cover in NYC some months back. Now, I'm sure that God is going to come down from his mighty throne and swoop all of the believers up after I saw this mess on the Internet.

A bedsheet? You got out of bed, walked to your car, got in it, started it up, drove it and then had the nerve to get OUT OF THE CAR wearing this? And only this???

Lawd. I just can't. CANNOT.

First it's wearing pajama pants 24-7. My heart is weak. Now this? I don't even think Jesus can fix this (sorry, Lord). What Redbox video is that important that you just rolled out of bed to get it? Is it starring Idris? Brad Pitt? Michael Ealy?

Listen here. There is NO video worth rolling out in the streets wearing just a sheet. I'm still trying to figure the logic here. I can hear that old saying now: "A lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets."

Well, I'm dayum sure they didn't mean wear the sheet in public!

Isn't she breaking some sort of public indecency laws?
Nakedness decrees, no?

I bet she did not brush her teeth. Or wash her behind. She certainly could not have taken a shower, because, I don't know: It's just not normal to walk out the house wearing a sheet! This is just nasty.

Sweet Baby Jesus. Let this be a fake picture. I am on my knees right now praying that this is Photoshopped. Jesus, be a fake! 

Because if it's not?

The Internet has lost its mind. I do not know what else to do but to pray. And I just want the Lord to lift us all up where we belong. And it ain't here. We are in the LAST DAYS, you hear me?? Only the Lord can fix this mess!