Amanda and Tito Watts of Jacksonville, Florida, sold tickets to heaven for $99. Fix it, Jesus! Because he rose for this foolishness!
I'm going to give them the double dap Jesus side eye; it's what I imagine Jesus would do if he was violent like that.
Hol' up. Wait. Those Vacation Bible School classes I took taught me that Jesus paid the price on the cross - not man. And it was FREE! He paid the cost! That most certainly did NOT mean that people would sell access to heaven. And $99? Is that the discount rate? Can I use a coupon? And will I get a holigram? IJS.
Sure, it's stupid. But what's even more stupid is the folks who bought the damn tickets. How stupid are you, anyway, to buy tickets to heaven?
Listen here. My Lord does not have any time for this foolishness! And you buy tickets from these two? Ummm.... Dude looks like he's been crucified with that Sharpie scrawled n his face in this mugshot. And Amanda looks scary as hell - like the Grinch who stole Christmas.
Tell me why would you trust a white dude named Tito, anyway? Hmmmm .... Ain't nothing these two can tell me about salvation.
Really, I'm not sure who is the stupidest -- the Watts, who managed to sell 'heaven' tickets, or the idiots who bought them! I need a sanity check and a 72-hour hold right now on all parties involved -- the sellers AND the buyers.
And how did this 'sale' go down? "I got those tickets to heaven, yo!"
Selling 'Heaven' Tickets is not Illegal
Now, apparently, it is NOT illegal (notice I did not say stupid) to sell tickets to heaven, according to Jacksonville Police.
But what you can't do is sell 'heaven' tickets on the street, claim they are made of solid gold (it was really gold spray paint) that guarantee a spot in heaven. That's misrepresentation.
And stupid.
I'm so curious. How would these be redeemed? Could you do a two for one? BOGO? What about scalping? If I paid $99 to see My Jesus, the person in line behind me bett'not have a counterfeit ticket!
Tell me why would you trust a white dude named Tito, anyway? Hmmmm .... Ain't nothing these two can tell me about salvation.
Really, I'm not sure who is the stupidest -- the Watts, who managed to sell 'heaven' tickets, or the idiots who bought them! I need a sanity check and a 72-hour hold right now on all parties involved -- the sellers AND the buyers.
And how did this 'sale' go down? "I got those tickets to heaven, yo!"
Selling 'Heaven' Tickets is not Illegal
Now, apparently, it is NOT illegal (notice I did not say stupid) to sell tickets to heaven, according to Jacksonville Police.
But what you can't do is sell 'heaven' tickets on the street, claim they are made of solid gold (it was really gold spray paint) that guarantee a spot in heaven. That's misrepresentation.
And stupid.
I'm so curious. How would these be redeemed? Could you do a two for one? BOGO? What about scalping? If I paid $99 to see My Jesus, the person in line behind me bett'not have a counterfeit ticket!
Would God and Peter (I know he's watching at the gate) accept a photocopy? And did they accept cash, credit, checks, Paypal or GooglePay? Cause you just know Jesus got a QR reader on lock at the gates with Steve Jobs on standby for technical difficulties. Won't he do it!
Where they messed up
Apparently, you can make every kind of claim you want about heaven. But what you will NOT do is sell wood spray painted gold and the words 'Ticket to Heaven - Admit One' written in Sharpie and try to pass it off as a precious metal. That's where they messed up.
This scam was working ... real well. Police nabbed the pair with $10K, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.
It gets worse.
Apparently, Tito is drinking the heaven Kool Aid. In a statement, he said:
"I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold."
Where they messed up
Apparently, you can make every kind of claim you want about heaven. But what you will NOT do is sell wood spray painted gold and the words 'Ticket to Heaven - Admit One' written in Sharpie and try to pass it off as a precious metal. That's where they messed up.
This scam was working ... real well. Police nabbed the pair with $10K, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.
It gets worse.
Apparently, Tito is drinking the heaven Kool Aid. In a statement, he said:
"I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold."
"It ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space."
He got $10K. Can he get to Mars with that?
But no. Tito continued to babble about his outer space shenanigans.
I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine."
"You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free."
"So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them."
"I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…"
First you sell tickets. And now you gonna set up Jesus - the Christ child who is without sin? Bye, Tito!!
Ain't Easter coming up in a few days?
But check the wife, Amanda. She was not here for any of this foolishness. She quickly threw Tito all up under the bus.
"We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."
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