Fuck up these foods and there will be repercussions. So imagine my surprise when Whole Foods got everyone's panties in a bunch on the Internet on Thursday when it casually suggested adding peanuts to collard greens on Twitter.
Wayment.
Wait, wait, wait!
Yeah, you heard me right: Peanuts. Yeah, they tried it. Listen. Umm ... Black folks will give you a pass on a lot of things, but you mess around and add peanuts to collard greens and you might not EVER get invited back to dinner. Ever. Because.
I mean. You need to know how serious this is. This is cut you to the white meat serious.
Folks take their collard green and ham hock recipes to the grave. There have been brawls over who ate the last of the leftover macaroni and cheese. And folks have gotten their feelings hurt, cussed out and their edges snatched if they dared bring runny potato salad to the cookout.
BA-BAY! I am so not playing. We will yank your Black card so quick! Try some foolishness if you want to; your invitation to the family reunion will be irrevocably revoked and NOBODY is asking you to bring a dish -- EVER. This is some serious shit.
Why, Whole Foods, Why?
I need to know who called for this? And what were they thinking? And ... just why? I need for Whole Foods to fall ALL THE WAY BACK. Listen. Whole Foods has its place. When I'm looking for chlorella supplements, Whole Foods is the place. When I want to buy a $5 carton of organic strawberries, I hit up Whole Foods.
But greens tho? NOBODY goes to Whole Foods for take-out greens. NO DAMN BODY! And you damn sure better not think about bringing Whole Foods' crunchy greens to Big Mama; she will cut you. I just need to know the logic here: Were they actually looking to fuse foods with African origins? Were they looking to merge cuisines? George Washington Carver, Lord rest is soul, is somewhere looking real proud right now. Because this was a use for peanuts even he did not come up with!
I just need to know: Did they think to ask anyone Black? Because I'm sure we can all agree on this one: This is some straight fuckery right here. And, considering that greens are now a staple in southern cuisine consumed by all races, I'm sure that even Paula Deen is somewhere in Savannah, GA giving this nonsense the side eye right now with her racist trope self.
Maybe they were trying to get a jump on Black History Month next month and they thought, "Lemme just put this recipe right here." Guess what? Whole Foods and their $5 a pound organic apples are going to learn TA-DAY!
I just don't get the reasoning. Hot sauce does not taste good on peanuts. Period. And I don't know that a hot water cornbread recipe exists that is enhanced by a side of crunchy ass peanuts. We just convinced Big Mama to replace ham hocks and fatback with smoked turkey wings in her greens and now here comes Whole Foods with this foolishness.
Our grannies are rolling over in their graves over this right now.
Whole Foods was NOT ready!
Of course, folks went ham and turkey on Black Twitter with epic clapbacks. I LIVE!
Come get your people, Whole Foods. Because I really can't with you right now.
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