The Best Mom of the Year Award goes to Toya Graham

It was the dragging seen 'round the Internet.

Baltimore's Toya Graham made international headlines -- and is now Internet famous and the subject of all kinds of memes -- after snatching up her son, who was filmed on camera throwing rocks during the Baltimore civil unrest, on camera.

And I don't blame her-- or her reaction -- not one damn bit. Who wants their Momma to come and get them? And on these Inna-nets? Especially after she told him not to go there. Graham wasn't playing. She saw him on TV acting a fool and she came for him -- and landed a few slaps upside his head in the process.

Toya said, "Oh, no. Not today!" "Not my baby."

This is old school parenting right here. And I ain't mad at her. 

Toya speaks 

"He gave me eye contact. And at that point, you know, not even thinking about cameras or anything like that. That's my only son and at the end of the day I don't want him to be a Freddie Gray," Toya Graham said, referring to the 25-year-old man who died after mysterious spinal injuries while in police custody earlier in the month.

Now, I was all set to see child experts drag this mom for what she did. This IS the generation of parental experts who feel as if you should not shame kids, especially on social media. "Oh, no, you should not embarrass your child like that." "What she did was wrong!"

But so far, the ones I've seen have all stood behind her. And they are right. Cause where you show out is where I act out.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. And look:  I know the disturbance in Baltimore is serious. But this ain't 'bout that. This is about a mom saving her young son. Age gives you so much perspective and wisdom that youth does not.

Toya knew it would be trouble -- that's why she told her son to not go there. Most moms I know ride and die for ours - but it also means that you cut into them when they need cutting into.

And I'd rather snatch mine up on live TV than have them delivered to me in body bags.

If my three had been down there cutting up, guess what? I'd drag their behinds, too. 

Tickets to heaven for sale for $99

It's Good Friday. But that doesn't mean folks ain't stupid every day of the week; Jesus' resurrection does not matter.

Amanda and Tito Watts of Jacksonville, Florida, sold tickets to heaven for $99. Fix it, Jesus! Because he rose for this foolishness!

I'm going to give them the double dap Jesus side eye; it's what I imagine Jesus would do if he was violent like that.

Hol' up. Wait. Those Vacation Bible School classes I took taught me that Jesus paid the price on the cross - not man. And it was FREE! He paid the cost! That most certainly did NOT mean that people would sell access to heaven. And $99? Is that the discount rate? Can I use a coupon? And will I get a holigram? IJS.

Sure, it's stupid. But what's even more stupid is the folks who bought the damn tickets. How stupid are you, anyway, to buy tickets to heaven? 

Listen here. My Lord does not have any time for this foolishness! And you buy tickets from these two? Ummm.... Dude looks like he's been crucified with that Sharpie scrawled n his face in this mugshot. And Amanda looks scary as hell - like the Grinch who stole Christmas. 

Tell me why would you trust a white dude named Tito, anyway? Hmmmm .... Ain't nothing these two can tell me about salvation. 

Really,  I'm not sure who is the stupidest -- the Watts, who managed to sell 'heaven' tickets, or the idiots who bought them! I need a sanity check and a 72-hour hold right now on all parties involved -- the sellers AND the buyers.

And how did this 'sale' go down? "I got those tickets to heaven, yo!"

Selling 'Heaven' Tickets is not Illegal

Now, apparently, it is NOT illegal (notice I did not say stupid) to sell tickets to heaven, according to Jacksonville Police.

But what you can't do is sell 'heaven' tickets on the street, claim they are made of solid gold (it was really gold spray paint) that guarantee a spot in heaven. That's misrepresentation.

And stupid.

I'm so curious. How would these be redeemed? Could you do a two for one? BOGO? What about scalping? If I paid $99 to see My Jesus, the person in line behind me bett'not have a counterfeit ticket!

Would God and Peter (I know he's watching at the gate) accept a photocopy? And did they accept cash, credit, checks, Paypal or GooglePay? Cause you just know Jesus got a QR reader on lock at the gates with Steve Jobs on standby for technical difficulties. Won't he do it! 

Where they messed up

Apparently, you can make every kind of claim you want about heaven. But what you will NOT do is sell wood spray painted gold and the words 'Ticket to Heaven - Admit One' written in Sharpie and try to pass it off as a precious metal. That's where they messed up.

This scam was working ... real well. Police nabbed the pair with $10K, five crack pipes and a baby alligator.

It gets worse.

Apparently, Tito is drinking the heaven Kool Aid. In a statement, he said:

"I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold."

"It ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space." 

He got $10K. Can he get to Mars with that?

But no. Tito continued to babble about his outer space shenanigans.

I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine."
"You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want… totally free."
"So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden tickets and said to sell them."
"I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…"

First you sell tickets. And now you gonna set up Jesus - the Christ child who is without sin? Bye, Tito!!

Ain't Easter coming up in a few days? 

But check the wife, Amanda. She was not here for any of this foolishness. She quickly threw Tito all up under the bus.

"We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched."

Do you want to talk about race with your coffee?

Normally, I am here for ALL of this conversation. ALL of it. But with my coffee, tho?

First thing in the morning?

Sigh.

Starbucks is going to try to tackle the issue of race in America, with barristas at 12,000 locations nationally trying to spark the conversation by writing the words, "Race Together," on coffee cups. Additionally, a USA Today supplement co-authored by Starbucks, will appear in print editions beginning Friday, March 20.

"Racial diversity is the story of America, our triumphs as well as our faults," says an opening letter in USA Today that is authored by the heads of both companies. "Yet racial inequality is not a topic we readily discuss. It's time to start."

Now, that is where I draw the line. Look, I can roll with some lattes with the best of 'em, but talking about race -- BEFORE I get my coffee -- is looking for a fight where I'm from. Chile, anything might come out of my mouth first thing in the a.m.

With no coffee, HELLO!!
 
Listen. I'm not so sure I want the barrista to ask me about race when they are serving  coffee.

I mean, are they gonna say: Black coffee, no sugar, no cream? Would you like some half-half with that? 

Do you want some affirmative action or respectability politics along with your Mocha Latte?

What, Starbucks, what?

Who OK'd this foolishness?

I am all about doing you. But I want to know ... What nail tech did these nails? Cause they need to have their license SNATCHED for this pointy pedicure!

Was the nail tech smoking meth? Or was she high? Even worse, WHO would let anyone shape their toes into lil' devil points. I'mma need her to get a refund right quick.

Who thought this was a good idea, who? I feel sorry for whoever she's sleeping with. Their legs are about to be cut up when they wake up in the morning.

Ri Ri can wear these pointy nails on her fingers all day long; they are a trendy and different look for a manicure. But on your toes, tho? Sometimes, you just need to stop, drop and roll out the door if the nail tech even mentions some foolishness like this.

Angie Stone knocks her daughter's teeth out

There are certain things in life that are indisputable: Death and taxes come to mind.

But here's another one to add to the list: Hit your Momma and you will get knocked the eff out!

Or, get your front teeth knocked out -- as R&B singer and R& B Divas Atlanta reality show star Angie Stone, 53, allegedly did to her daughter, Diamond, 30, after getting into an altercation with her on Monday night in an Atlanta suburb.

Stone, whose real name is Angela Brown, was arrested. But her daughter will certainly need lots of dental work. Stone is accused of  knocking out several of Diamond's teeth in the brawl in Lithonia, Georgia, according to the Associated Press.

Stone told police that her daughter punched her in the face with a closed fist, according to AJC.com. Stone  picked up a metal stand (we all know that Black mommas will pick up the first thing their hand touches) and hit her in the face.

Stone told police she realized the mistake and put down the stand but her daughter came after her again. A family friend eventually broke up the fight, according to TMZ.

This all started after Stone told her daughter to clean up and get her kids under control, who were reportedly running around "half-naked," according to  WGCL.

Both women were taken to police for questioning and Stone was charged with aggravated assault.Stone is a three-time Grammy-nominated singer. Her reps have not issued a comment.


You gone learn today!

But ... umm, just in case Diamond didn't know. You NEVER hit your momma. Just don't do it. All she has to do is to look in the mirror for that reminder. There are some things that you just don't do. I don't care how wrong your momma is or how right you think you are.

 All I know is, you'd better be ready for a fight if you hit a Black momma. I can speak definitively, because I am one. I do not know what happens in other communities, but I do know what happens in mine: Her daughter had better be glad ONLY her front teeth are gone. Her injuries could have been a lot worse.

And spare me with the, I'm grown bit. If you are grown enough to hit your momma, you are grown enough to get knocked out like a real woman you claim to be.

Hitting your moms, tho! SMH.

Injuries Diamond allegedly sustained in the brawl

Before you come to blows, you really need to exit stage left ... or risk getting your teeth knocked out!

Jesus Be a Fake Pic

Fix it, JESUS!

I thought Lenny Kravitz had lost it when he was spotted wearing a rolled up duvet cover in NYC some months back. Now, I'm sure that God is going to come down from his mighty throne and swoop all of the believers up after I saw this mess on the Internet.

A bedsheet? You got out of bed, walked to your car, got in it, started it up, drove it and then had the nerve to get OUT OF THE CAR wearing this? And only this???

Lawd. I just can't. CANNOT.

First it's wearing pajama pants 24-7. My heart is weak. Now this? I don't even think Jesus can fix this (sorry, Lord). What Redbox video is that important that you just rolled out of bed to get it? Is it starring Idris? Brad Pitt? Michael Ealy?

Listen here. There is NO video worth rolling out in the streets wearing just a sheet. I'm still trying to figure the logic here. I can hear that old saying now: "A lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets."

Well, I'm dayum sure they didn't mean wear the sheet in public!

Isn't she breaking some sort of public indecency laws?
Nakedness decrees, no?

I bet she did not brush her teeth. Or wash her behind. She certainly could not have taken a shower, because, I don't know: It's just not normal to walk out the house wearing a sheet! This is just nasty.

Sweet Baby Jesus. Let this be a fake picture. I am on my knees right now praying that this is Photoshopped. Jesus, be a fake! 

Because if it's not?

The Internet has lost its mind. I do not know what else to do but to pray. And I just want the Lord to lift us all up where we belong. And it ain't here. We are in the LAST DAYS, you hear me?? Only the Lord can fix this mess!

Hide yo' socials

It's tax time. And I keep telling y'all about letting Pookie 'nem do your taxes. 

Do it if you want to. Cause not everybody out here in these tax streets is qualified to get your social AND your gub'ment name. Fraud is a thing. And just because they say they "do taxes" does not mean they're qualified. 

I do not care what the TV ads say.You think you're getting an accountant, CPA or a bookkeeper at H&R Block or Jackson Hewitt? Chile, BYE! It's called: Turn on a computer and input numbers into a software program and watch them spit out the results -- your refund.

Taxes are the newest hustle; er'rybody and their momma is doing them. If I see ONE MO person on Facebook or Instagram talking about they "do taxes, hit me up" I am going to scream. 
 
You just need to hope like hell that Rashia Wilson, 27, of Tampa, Florida, had NOTHING to do with your tax returns.

Wilson, the self described "Queen of Tax Fraud," was convicted on Tuesday of stealing $20 million from the IRS and was sentenced to 21 years in jail, according to a story in the Daily Mail. 

She was 'tax hood rich' -- with pictures on Facebook of her flaunting stacks and stacks of cash --  probably from victims after she did their taxes.

A life of crime

According to the Tampa Bay Times:

'She knew what she was doing was wrong. She reveled in the fact that it was wrong,' U.S. District Judge James. S. Moody Jr. said.

Now, it's bad enough that Wilson, a mother of three, bragged about her crimes on Facebook. She even taunted authorities before eventually pleading guilty to wire fraud and aggravated identity theft earlier this year. 

'I'm Rashia, the queen of IRS tax fraud,' Wilson posted. 'I'm a millionaire for the record, so if U think indicting me will B easy it won't, I promise you! U need more than black and white to hold me down N that's to da rat who went N told, as if 1st lady don't have da TPD under her spell. I run Tampa right now.'

Wilson admitted to stealing $3 million but authorities believe she stole much more as part of a federal investigation which began in 2010. 

The hustle


On taxpayers' backs, she went from a life of poverty to extreme wealth. She collected food stamps ad while using her tax frauds to support a super lavish lifestyle.

She spent $30,000 on her son's first birthday, bought a $90,00 Audi, splurged on designer handbags from Prada, Gucci and Louis Vuitton, and had a custom necklace with her name spelled out in jewels according to a media report. 

In addition to her sentence, Wilson was ordered to pay $3.1 million in restitution with her co-defendant Maurice Larry, who is scheduled to be sentenced later this year. 

Rashia is the tip of the iceberg. Too many folks out here doing dirt come tax time. Hide yo' socials and yo' kids' socials. Let's repeat this again, boys and girls: If somebody is trying to claim your kids on their taxes, speed walk away.

Only go to approved tax preparers, not your cousin Ray Ray. 

And finally,  if Ne Ne says that she'll do your taxes if you let her deposit a little sumthin' extra in your bank account, run like Usain Bolt.

Woman fakes abduction, demands her own ransom on Facebook

I love Facebook just like anyone else. But a Trenton, N.J., woman allegedly came up with a brilliant plan to fake her kidnapping and then demand a $3,000 ransom on -- you guessed it -- Facebook.

Source: Mercer County Prosecutor's Office)

I thought FB was for sharing goofy pictures, family photos and videos that make you laugh so hard your sides hurt?  Faking your own kidnapping, tho?

Treonca Gaddis, 24, is charged with "creating a false public alarm" after investigators found the "missing" woman with her boyfriend in a Brooklyn, N.Y. apartment. No one in her family had seen Gaddis since Dec. 19, according to a story in The Times of Trenton.

The failed plan

Her mother, doing what any good mom should do, reported her daughter missing on Friday. The next day, sexually explicit photos of Gaddis showed up on her Facebook page, along with a demand for $3,000, according to Trenton Lt. Mark Kieffer.

I am still trying to figure out how she arrived at $3,000. That's probably just enough tax refund money to settle a bill or two but not enough to blow the family budget, right.

Maybe she didn't think to add a few zeros onto that figure?
Maybe she knew that her family would never be able to pay more than $3,000?
Maybe she believed she'd only be worth $3,000 -- not a cent more? 

A bad idea from the start 

This fool. Didn't she know police can trace your physical location when posting to Facebook? And I swear, she must have seen Horrible Bosses 2, because this seems like it came right out of a scene of that movie (a character staged a fake kidnapping and wanted his uber rich father to pay a ransom worth millions).
 
Trenton cops contacted NYC police, and Gaddis was traced to her boyfriend's Brooklyn apartment, unharmed.

“It was all a hoax,’’ Kieffer told The Times of Trenton.

The boyfriend hasn't yet been charged (no word on if he was in on the crime, too).

Stupid is
Here's a tip, boo boo, and lessons for you boys and girls.

The next time you attempt to stage your own kidnapping, at least do it the old fashioned way -- with a physical note, not Facebook.
.